Selflessness & Martyrdom
“It’s good to be selfless, right,” my friend said after she had agreed to holiday plans she knew would batter her emotionally.
“Depends on what you mean by selfless,” I replied. “You’re afraid to upset your family, so you’re sacrificing your authentic needs and guaranteeing that you will suffer, just to give them what they want and keep the peace. Since I don’t think you’re going to squeeze an ounce of pleasure out of this, I won’t call it masochism. Looks like a clear-cut case of martyrdom to me.”
As I drove home, I realized that I didn’t know how to characterize the distinction between selflessness and martyrdom. When we choose something that really hurts us, call it what you like, that choice is really very self-destructive!
While I do know a couple of people I would consider to be truly selfish, most of time this word is used, its purpose is clearly to manipulate someone into giving you what they don’t want to give. If someone calls us selfish, guilt becomes a powerful motivator for us to give up our authentic needs and desires in order to avoid shame and rejection.
I’ve also witness a great number of people, myself included I must admit, who want to appear selfless in order to be liked, to manipulate the perception others have of them, or worse, to create an unspoken obligation or expectation that the other will match our sacrifice with one of his own.
When I got home, I could not help myself. I had to look up selfless in the dictionary, and when I found it, I had to laugh. It read: “oblivious of self; incapable of having, exhibiting or being motivated by concern for oneself; unselfish.”
I recalled having a conversation, almost 10 years ago, with Spotted Eagle, who has been very influential in getting me to stop martyring myself out of fear. He said, “You know, if it’s really good for one person, then it’s really good for everyone else, even if they don’t think so at the time!”
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